Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Funniest saying. Twitter: What’s happening? Stephen ColbertCynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. “I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Kevin Hart Your phone doesn’t suck.

Groucho MarxFrom the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter.

Stephen ColbertThe summer movies are coming out!

Ricky GervaisEnjoy life. And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years. “I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say “your password is incorrect.”18. “It was an emotional wedding. Molly McGeeMen are like a deck of cards. Get good at it. Everything is changing. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake I feel better already.”48. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. Robin WilliamsSee, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Stay up and fight. Incorrect email or username/password combination. Have friends. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone? I’m a day person. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault. 0. That’s the fun bit. Louis C.K.

I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Jim CarreyLife opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

You’re allowed to be silly. (And They’re All Safe for Work) You seem to be logged out. “I just wanna lay next to you And listen to the beat of your heart I just wanna close my eyes And fall asleep in your arms I just wanna feel you And just forget the world ”6. George CarlinLife is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Steve MartinChaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is. I’m really protective of my penis. James A. Garfield Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good. And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie. It helps to remember that. Then walk into a pole.”55. It’s all we’ve got. Dave KellettThe most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school. Jules RenardThe most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

I want to see the struggle. My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5. They are the greatest joy in the world.

I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years.

You’re allowed to be silly. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”17. Ellen DeGeneresPeople always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Bill MurrayGo to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Fran LebowitzMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. “I love all mythical creatures. “H.O.M.E.W.O.R.K. Bill MurrayDon’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing. Jerry SeinfeldMen want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of You know the trouble with real life? I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.”31. Alan AldaLaughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. Jon Stewart I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face. “The most dangerous animal in the world… Is a smiling woman sitting in silence”60.

It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. “I almost gave a fuck scared the shit out myself..”63.

“Yes I walked away mid-conversation.

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